Shutdown! Fear of H1N1 Infection infects Yeller Journalist Daily staff

You have nothing to fear but fear itsel-- what.. The FLU?!! Oh, that's different! Yep, sniffle today, dead tomorrow. You're a walking flusey corpse. So be afraid, and stand over there... waaay over...

--A message from Life Affirmations Inc.

Picture a cold and mirthless New York winter, days after the debut of The Hot Zone, and you gain a sense of the horror that unfolded.  It was a scene right out of the Middle Ages... a scene of sickness and calamity, of once perfectly healthy men and women turned shuddering and pale, ghoulish vestiges of themselves. It recalled that terrible Swine Flu epidemic, if for no other reason than that mankind doesn't need a genuine outbreak of illness to bring itself to its own knees.

That was the scene at the offices of Yeller Journalist Daily last month, when the entire support staff, both maintenance and administration--even to those brave journos who manned their word processors to the bitter end--finally succumbed to what is now being described as the world's worst wildfire plague of deadly H1N1 flu speculation.

This infectious guessing-game of grippe escalated to such debilitating levels of fantasy it all but paralyzed a newsroom known for centuries, and by hundreds of billions of people all over the world, as the definitive source of colorful, defendably news-worthy stories.

It was with a sense of relief that this epidemic-like epidemic finally broke on Monday August 16th, when a sufficient skeleton crew of workers, feeling kinda wimpy and gay, unable to count more than three genuine coughs an hour, and having reached the last level-70 boss in World of Warcraft, finally returned to their stations.

Some workers could hardly bring themselves to talk about the shocking terror that turned their literally vibrant workplace into a literally vibrant but virtually leprous, all-but-veritable morgue:

"Aaron, the mail guy; he was the first to get it," said a tearful receptionist who asked to remain anonymous. "He seemed to get the sniffles while studying CNN's on-line H1N1 infection map... when he read 'number of infections and deaths is likely to climb higher, MUCH higher, as winter approaches,' the chills set in, and that was it... He began shaking and sweating less than hour later, then the endless pulse and temperature taking, mutterings that he felt hot, then cold, the nausea.... he was gone before the night edition hit the streets.

"Marion, our systems person, she was next; it was just a little complaint about a sore throat, after reading in Harper's -- something about dry office air contributing to infections -- she dashed out for Sucrets before lunch, and I knew that was it; she wouldn't be back.

This 1918 flu victim image alone sent
50 YJD staffers running - for Nyquil.

"It spread quickly. Colleagues started moaning while reading CDC updates; the bullpen was half-empty in 90 minutes... it was horrible, just horrible."

Yeller Journalist Daily has just released its numbers to Yeller Journalist Daily, citing smokers, parents of small children and pussies as being especially vulnerable to this terrible plague of assumed illness. But recent absentee rates reveal the alarming rate at which the tiny testicle-confirming infection fear spread.

Medical authorities have their pet theories regarding this illness' virtually virtual contagiousness: "Of courz" said Doctor Deutschmensch, YJD's staff physician, "ze High-poh-konn-drei-achschts... zat iz der right verd, ya? Ya, zees Highpohkonndreiachschts are ze payshentz null, or PN's, az you might zay, ya, uf tziz ziknezz. Ze PNs is getten aller ze ztaff verked upp vis tzere gersprach uf dis Fflu, tzay compleinn, tzay moan tzat tzay are zik aller ze timen!! Und tziz iz der unterlying cauz of tziz increazz rate uf "pzycho" invecshun!"

Dr. D's use of the word "Pzycho" was alleged by the interviewer to mean "psychosomatic," but further clarification from Dr. Deutschmensch could neither be gained nor understood.

In addition to boredom, staffers returned to work, according to YJD, in part because of increased awareness, especially by the newsroom's borderline-pussy segment, that staff-members who appeared naturally anti-neurotic, and those on anti-neurotic medication, would likely resort to "kidding" once this illness (known also as *The Night of the Long Whines!* and *bullshit* by the more resistant staffers) ran its course. Whether YJD's human resources promoted this legally unsound, utterly irresponsible, laudably effective act, or other similar legally-deplorably effective acts to encourage workers' return: firings, blanket-parties, Roman-era decimation re-enactments, could not be corroborated by YJD at this time.

An official statement released at the height of the disaster cautioned all YJD staffers against watching the 1995 film Outbreak, lest they risk the harshest reprimand. A later memo suggesting that Staffers found to be watching Steven King's The Stand be summarily executed could not be located.


"Rut" is at the heart of all truth; "I" is at the center of every lie... which would you rather indulge? Y.J.