From The Onion: "34 Katherine Heigl Film" Simultaneous-Release DISASTER!

Earlier today, YJD's Satellite News Service, The Onion, reported a catastrophic spill of Katherine Heigl films in theaters all over the US.(View video for more details). The President of the Screen Actor's Guild, and the head of Sony Pictures, recently released joint statements warning that current Heigl exposure far exceeds the maximum safe dose of .5 Heigls/hour, and that an exclusion zone of 1,000 feet is being set up around AMC and Regal Entertainment theaters nationwide.

Despite the brave efforts of health care professionals throughout the country, the tragedy appears to be intensifying. Paramount and 20th Century Fox have offered their support to the stricken Sony in a rare show of solidarity. Rumors confirm that 22 Natalie Portman films will be released into the Heigl stream in a desperate bid to bring the Heigls down to a manageable level.

More on this catastrophe as can be elaborated upon.