LATE EDITION: “Chavez’ ‘Mars Needs Socialists’ Story Perfect *As Is*,” Laments Renowned and Devastatingly Handsome Reporter

“What is the world coming to,” railed a journalistic source intimate with this journalist, “when a story hits the scene that’s so perfect, so edgy and, and—Gah—that it doesn’t need any slants or any embellishments. It just goes up, and bang, perfect! C’mon! Even Angelina Jolie gets fucking Photoshopped! It’s obscene, is what it is; a slap in the face of journalisti--”

The clearly—and justifiably—distraught news man person is referring to the tragic story reported on Reuters.com March 22, 2011, in which noted South American talk-show host and alleged paper tiger Hugo Chavez suggested that a Martian civilization—on Mars, no less—had very likely been utterly destroyed… by capitalism.

Chavez’s deadpan rendering of the suspected events, citing "compelling" analogies and drawing "insightful" conclusions based on his patently fatuou provocatively Wellsian premise, nonetheless drew many an arched eyebrow at World Water Day event that the Venezualien overlord recently attended.

"I have always said, heard,” vociferously asserted the squeaky-voiced, porn-addicted yarn-spinner, “that it would not be strange that there had been civilization on Mars, but maybe capitalism arrived there, imperialism arrived and finished off the planet."

Babbl Squeak Speaking further, cloven-hoofed Chavez went on to blame capitalism for water, while simultaneously lambasting a Western Coalition’s recent attacks on the dust-choked, hyper-arid, super-Saharan Libyan nation as merely a pretext for securing that desiccated, sun-baked desert country’s no-doubt vast aqueous reserves.

But the real and unspoken tragedy rests with the prone-to-drool, grass-eating Chavez himself, for relying so publicly on a fucking retar whimsically fanciful story to highlight another of his predictably predictable anti-West tirades. Such hyperbolically allegorical speeches, while sadly revealing either a poor education or repeated drops from a refrigerator since childhood, also endanger the creativ credibility of a selected—pope-sanctioned and mortally essential—cadre of journalists.

“With Amejadanahalf,” sulkily derid bravely remarked the manfully teary-eyed, multiple-charity-espousing correspondent, speaking of Iran’s perpetually roused-from-a-bender looking capo/President, “I mean, he’s just got a lot of anger; you know, like three-year old anger. What do you expect out of a country that actually endorses cutting off the nose to spite the face?!

“But while Pajama-Man might be saying crazy things like the ‘Holocaust never happened’ and ‘Jews should be exterminated’, yadda yadda yadda, the subject’s pretty intense, and real, so even if the guy’s got a sprinkling of pignoli in his hummus, if you get me, he still sounds dangerously credible. So when rumors are attributed to him like, ‘World leader claims Israel has genetically fashioned Godzilla!!!’ or something like that? What’s anyone going to do? What’s he gonna do, deny it? See, that’s good modern journalism!”

“But this?” cries Yelle the anonymous source, “with Chavez bringing Mars, bringing little green men into the picture, and talking about it seriously? And then claiming the antenna guys were done in by Capitalism?! Holy Moly?!!! What, these non-human aliens maybe had their own Donald Trumpizoid? Their own, what, Canal Tycoons? Did the price of Mars gas go up to a zillion quatloos or something, and wipe em all ’out? I mean--where can a good reporter go with that? How do you slant that slant? A Green-Red Menace? Red-Greenhouse effect? It doesn’t fly… it just doesn’t fly.”

Chavez’s illuminating speech, according to one embarrassed NASA engineer who pleaded to remain anonymous, did highlight the ostensible American space agency’s concerns of first contact with Leftist-leaning Martians, causing NASA to consider scrapping a robot Mars mission and instead send Teminator alter-ego Arnold Schwarzenegger. Rumors have also begun to circulate that Chavez’s insight into this phenomenon might rise from the fact that he himself is a Martian, but those rumors couldn’t be substantiated, or even really appreciated any more.

Considerably less on this story as news trickles in and is buried.