UPDATE: Japanese Spared New Cataclysm with Rebecca Black Aid Concert Cancellation.

In an effort described by many “heroic” and “miraculous,” a united Japanese-American effort successfully averted a terrible new threat looming over the West’s most East Asian ally: a benefit concert featuring blip-of-the-week/new music “sensation” Rebecca Black.

Black Friday: Most Japanese surveyed would rather hear
Rodan singing over Rebecca Black

A media insider, who asked not to be identified, had this to say: “Thank fucking God! Haven’t these poor people suffered enough?! They get an earthquake, a tsunami, radiation just sweating out of every pore, and yeah, it’s like unseasonably winter there, didja know that? A billion homes gone, and yeah, it also snows?!

“So it’s like Holocaust Quartet over there, right, and then this?! Jesus, that skank’s just beyond awful! Her voice is a fucking war crime! And have you seen her video? Black’s a sensation all right, it starts in the pit of my stomach and rises all the way up my esophagus! (Click below to hear the horror)

“God, who even thought of this?! This is like a Uwe Boll or Jackass stunt, something? The Japanese give us flipping Roshamon, Princess Mononoke and Godzilla, and we return with this? One-Hit-Wonderwoman would have sung “Friday” and they’ll all have seppuku’ed by Saturday… uh, that last part’s off the record.”

Many Americans shared a similar sentiment, remarking that “Black should be beaten with a shovel,” or that they “love the lip-sync parodies,” thought "her vid was a bad Degrassi promo,” or that "she was dating Justin Bieber?” But mostly it was “who the hell is Rebecca Black?”

One obvious fan couldn’t be stopped from having this to say, however: “I agree with, like, Lady Gaga, you know… I think Rebecca Gray’s, like genius, or something, like an innovator; and she’s so pretty and like, she’s great. I think the haters just have to back off and give her a chance. I totally had the same idea for that song.”

Though unconfirmed, it’s suspected that Japan will write off $100 billion of America’s debt to its nation as a gesture of gratitude for keeping American catastrophe’s confined to America.  

In a distantly related topic, an unidentified girl was hospitalized not long after this story’s publication after being repeated mauled by dangerously radioactive Siamese fighting fish. Police were forced to closed the case after all leads relating to the borderline-retarded girl’s fishy bathtub banjax eventually dried up.

For those wanting to help poor Japan, please send your certified cashier’s checks to Payyellerjournalistsohecanwritemoreabouthelpingpoorjapan.com