In the Science Supplement: Shrinks state that gay-to-straight therapy is "just so gay..."

T.A. Harris (no, not pictured) considers new 
self-help book title: I'm so Gay, You're so Gay.

Dateline: Six Kinsey street, the Intersection of Fabulous and Meddlesome

Psychologists have recently reported that gay-to-straight therapy is neither an effective or responsible course of treatment for gays and lesbians (findings supported by an earlier "straight to really, incredibly straight" therapy study, which failed to make significant change in its participants and mostly led to elevated levels of confusion and irritation).

"It's like trying to get a pig to sing," said one noted psychologist on the G2S therapy, who, after realizing what he said, asked not to be identified. "You know how this old saying goes: Well, put the pig in Birkenstocks, or a leather harness, or a dress, and it's the same thing: You won't get a song, and you'll only annoy the pig... though you do have the best chance to get that pig in the dress to sing, but only if you let it sing Judy..."

Other options still exist for non-heteros to deal with this non-issue, the therapists added. These include the hilarious option of celibacy, having a serious heart-to-heart talk with one's minister/rabbi/etc. (in either an imprecating or threatening tone), or simply joining the Catholic priesthood for gay men; moving to Ann Harbor or just being a hot smoking "girl-on-girl action" babe for lesbians. As frustratingly typical for bisexuals, all their options are all split.

Surprisingly, psychologists also revealed that gays and lesbians who didn't give a crap about this crap before were 100 percent likely not to give a crap about this crap now, regardless of orientation (spiritual, not sexual).

Despite this landmark revelation, 'corrective' therapists aren't ready to throw in the towel and lose the chance to make money on fabricated neuroses, and are exploring "Fundie-to-Normie" therapy as a viable option. The therapy, which is also called "Holier-than-Nosey-Body" Aversion Therapy, is showing some success in clinical trails. After a six month study in which all religious zealots were sequestered for duration of the therapy process, both gays and straights had a 200 percent reduction in psychiatric symptoms.


If it's news it spews; if it spews, it's news. Y.J.