In what can only be described as an inpromptu "Balls for Bombs" program, U.S. authorities released four Chinese Muslim Uighurs from Guanotanamo prison in June, only to set them up with jobs that would make most Americans, officially, more than a little envious.
Rather than returning the four to their native China, authorities landed the "Uighur Quartet" with positions as golf course tenders on the island of Bermuda, tasked with beautifying the British territory's Port Royal course in anticipation of the PGA Grand Slam of Golf tour in October.
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| Lighthearted Artist rendition of "Uighur Quartet" putting in sand trap in Port Royal Golf Course, Bermuda. |
This might seem to the average, unemployed, irate, dangerously hopeless and oppressed-feeling American like another example of how a broken system rewards villains (no matter how wrongly and non-habeous corpusly detained) and bleeds sheet-white the honest American working stiff, but the truth is actually less cut-and dry. This reporter has it on good authority (and directly from several of the Uighur Quartet, why not*) that these former "Guantos" are actually craftier than it might first appear.
Far from hating the U.S., the four admitted to actually concocting their elaborate scheme as far back as 2001 in order to avoid the difficult "repatriotization" exercises that would have been levied on them in their native China for what they describe as "their assorted unnamed misdemeanors" {coughterrorismcough}.
The four apparently hatched a plan to escape Asia and "live the American dream" after viewing the 1959 documentary The Mouse That Roared, realizing that the best way to the American dream was to first become the American nightmare -- to become America's enemy. (Calls to Germany and Japan, made by this reporter, corroborated this shocking revelation.)
Officials handling this transfer flatly deny any connection to the film, but a secret tape acquired just after the "Quartet's" release appear to reveal otherwise. Names like "Peter Sellers" and "Alec Guinness" are dropped multiple times, often in a threatening tone, throughout a heated and intricate negotiation.
Despite this, Port Royal head superintendent Steve Johnson (seen patting the pates of his new Uighur workers, Benny Hill style, as they toiled), appeared happy with the arrangement. He was even rumored to explain that Khalil Mamut, Abki Tur-somesuch, Ablah Blahblah and Salammnm Ab-something, had nicknames, did not have a world-wrecking super bomb at their disposal, and yes, after six months of hard work could buy into profit sharing, a 401k and even bonuses.
U.S. authorities, who wisely chose to remain anonymous, clearly realized a dust-up might ensue when it was discovered -- by hundreds of thousands of intelligent, hard-working, degree-toting American citizens not yet able to scrounge up a part-time gig at a local Starbucks, especially -- that suspected terrorists were getting paid to groom the back nine on a lush vacation island in anticipation of Tiger Wood's arrival. Thus the decision to relocate the quartet to the distant island of Bermuda, some 28,000 miles away.
The British, in contrast, are completely up in arms over this "forced immigration." There's the terrorist thing, of course, but most Brits were skeptical to say the least as to the Quartet's ability to maintain a green in proper English fashion: "Blimey, how long has it been since they've seen bloody grass?" one important British person was overheard saying. And while issues regarding the nature of their tenure at Guanotanamo were downplayed, unsubstantiated rumors of the Quartet constantly requesting "claymores for the putting greens" only to explain later they thought it was a type of long-bladed lawn mower, continued to circulate.
Bill Clinton is likely to be sent to Bermuda next week, to rally for the release of these jobs. But this, according to another important Bermuda personage, was still said to be in the speculative stage.
Calls for declarations of war between The UK and US, while likely, could also not be substantiated.
*: This reporter will relay all quotes faithfully and with utmost accuracy, as always, but... well... let's be honest: my Uighur and their English...
A lie is nothing but an elaboration in a really loud shirt...Y.J.
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