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| The proposed Universal "yes" sign. Can you spot the problem...? |
Dateline: Japan - Land of the Rising Sun, or Rand of the Lising Sun.
Japan, a strange and exotic nation that for for hundreds of thousands of years has remained shrouded in mystery. It's the birthplace of such curiosities as raw fish, impractically teensy trees, 101 uses for suicide and giant radioactive monsters -- exports that have often proved to be more of a barrier to understanding Japan than an aid.
The "Nihon" language is no exception -- with an alphabet composed of millions of symbolic glyphs (and not one L, Q or X in the lot) Japan, much like China and France, wages a endless battle to understand and be understood by the normal-speaking rest of the world. It's a a battle that has persisted since Napoleonic times, just before the onset of World War II.
Thus Japan's interest, in 2008, in adding to and refining those universal symbols that have become such a staple in our globalized society; Symbols like Man, Woman, Stop, and Pathogen Level Four showing us, as one might show a four-year-old or crazy person, how we should use our walkways, restrooms or bio-hazard facilities.
And yet, policy makers at Nippon Standards and Means remain locked in battle this week over their latest proposed addition to the glyph family: The universal "yes" sign. This seemingly simple sigil has met some stiff opposition from the West, despite Japan's best efforts and intentions.
And while adding this universal symbol would be a small (exceedingly small) victory for any nation, it's apparently an important one for the dainty, shaved-nethers obsessed Japanese. "For decades, Japan has been coping with grinding economic strife, a liberal-West-meets-repressive-East culture clash, and an upsurge of manga and anime, from Pokemon to Super Demon City, that clearly doesn't correspond with reality," admitted Hideo Goro, chief adviser to the "Gimme the 'Hai' sign" project.
"When you think about it, we're a pretty fucked-up little country, as you westerners would say... Look at us? We draw tentacled monsters gang-raping 12-year-olds like we were answering e-mail, but expose a single pubic hair and we lose our shit... what's that about?"
The uncharacteristically potty-mouthed Goro went on to say, "So in creating this Hai-sign, we hope to give the Japanese people something to be proud of here... sure it's less than shit, but let's face it, we here in Nippon get all fucking hyper over the tiniest, craziest crap. Some Tokyo guy here opened a restaurant where you can eat out of little toilets; that shit is nuts, pardon the pun. But that's us; Sure, we Japanese build giant robots, but we also do this."
And while this endeavor might seem pro-forma and barely worth talking about. A member of the United States department of Standards and Means, who wished to remain anonymous, is far from persuaded, and after admitting his pessimism over Japan's efforts, intends to block any new sign proposal from coming to fruition.
"I saw the Japanese prototypes... they're trying to keep it simple, mostly with variations on the universal 'No' sign. But I just don't think they get the fundamentals. It might be the language barrier, but seriously, the word is "yes." Doesn't that word exist everywhere?
"They thought it would be simple to just flip the symbol, then overlay that one on the other... sort of a universal "No 'no' " sign, if you will. But they did more than lose their message with that attempt.
"They eventually owned up the error, and now they claim they've created what they call 'the perfect symbol.' But honestly, I think they're even more off-base now; they're just floundering. I'll admit the new spin it's subtler, almost elegant; nonetheless, their second attempt just doesn't communicate the message effectively.
But not everyone agrees. Despite the hoots from their detractors, Japan is confident that the global community will approve their addition. Iran and North Korea have already indicted they're ready to ratify the symbol at the next United Nations security council session, praising the it as a positive and dynamically interpretable tag that will be perfect for nuclear facilities, military training zones and adult compulsory re-education "spas."
"Irrespective of the friendly confusion it will likely sow, a treasonous enemy of the state can at least feel a little better about themselves when they commit the capital crime of trespassing," noted a member of the Iranian high cabinet, who pleaded tearfully not to be identified. "This affirmatively imprecise label certainly has some interpretive leeway built into it, and in those less favorable of outcomes, a godless trespasser can at least reiterate to themselves, 'I thought it read yes, I though it read yes,' as they stand before a firing squad. So in that sense, everybody wins!" Great Britain, as the most exceedingly polite of the Western nations, hopes to use its "superior linguistic skills" to convince the Japanese government to take one more pass at their new symbol, but this report could not be substantiated.
In a related note, the explicative-spouting Hideo Goro is now being held by Japanses authorities for impersonating a Japanese authority. Goro, this reporter has on pretty accurate... authority... is, in reasonable fact, a hermaphroditic North Korean "person of interest" code-named Cinnamon Pop. Reasons for the Pop's expletive-laced remarks to the press remain unknown, though threats to national security are suspected. Rumor goes on to say it that as part of "his" community service sentence commutation, "she" will be obliged to star in the live-action version of that goof-balling classic Hentai me up, hentai me down!
"Maybe the truth will set you free, but a lie will let you keep the loot." Y.J.
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