This just in! Today's $2 billion extension approval of the wildly popular "cash for clunkers" program prompted many in Washington to consider broadening the program's terms to include items other than automobiles.
Yet, in spite of the program's wild success (which allows Americans to trade on old cars for credits they can put toward newer, fuel-efficient cars), Senators met suggestions with unexpected resistance (Boats and refrigerators received especially poor support). The additions were only green-lighted once lawmaker's added "fathers," "mothers," "grandparents," "in-laws" and especially "children" to the list of trade-ins.
Furious debate as to the details and exceptions of this controversial item addition calmed, and even changed to universal support, once the Senate gave the floor to a 40-year-old woman (name withheld) and homemaker from Wichita Falls, who spoke of her plight and lent credibility to this bold new consideration.
"I have six children," she wept, appearing exhausted and dabbing her teary eyes as she spoke, "Three are in college now; and while two are excelling, my oldest daughter is failing every class she's in!
"As you all know, college is expensive enough for a family with one child, let alone six; if this daughter were a car, I would liken her to a 2003 hummer stretch limo with a hole in the gas tank, made by Chrysler; you might get four miles to the gallon on her, tops.
"Clearly this hummer-daughter, who is yes, is very eye-catching, is at the end of the day nothing more than a burdensome expense to her family and to the system. Add to that her smoking and binge bulimia, is she becomes bad for the environment as well.
"The government has a responsibility to give hard-working Americans, and their families, a chance to transition to safer and more efficient children. So please, fund the extension of this program, and allow me to trade in my "very-likely promiscuous, C - average" daughter for at least a suma cum laude. Thank you."
The woman also hoped the new provision would allow her to trade-up from a son she claimed suffered from some undisclosed handicap, which met with a round of applause from the Senate.
This new extension, approved almost unanimously, still faces some hurdles. "There are still too many guidelines for children trying to trade up parents," said one representative who asked to remain anonymous from 651 Grove Street, Bellaire Shore, FL. "There's just cause, permission slips, being labelled a 'tattle-tale' or 'ungrateful'... And then there's that poorly worded provision on sending gradparents over 80 to assisted suicide-legal countries."
Estranged John Voight daughter Angelina Jolie, rumor has it, is already lobbying aggressively to have the mandatory
20-day waiting period for trading up fathers waived. The actress was also suspected of being the prime architect in a provision to send absentee fathers to assisted-suicide legal countries, or anywhere in sub-Saharan Africa. These reports could not be confirmed.And while the question of whether to add "spouses" to the list died on the floor faster than a Las Vegas nuptual, most agreed that "in-laws" should be added to the program post haste. The vote to add won by a majority, split evenly between men and woman. Incentive checks totalling $35 to be issued along with trade-up for in-laws who arrive unannounced to a trader's home appeared excessive, admitted one representative, but it passed the first round of votes unanimously.
"We really hope this will not only help stimulate the economy, but also give Americans hope for a brighter future," said one representative. "After all, if your parents or children aren't helping you feel hopeful, now at least you can trade them in for something more optimistic." The government has no plans as yet for what it intends to do with all these 'clunker' family members. Calls made to the Soylent Corporation could not be verified.
In a related story, the entire state of New York is suing to add one more item to "Cash for Clunkers" program, in hopes of trading in their entire senate. Details of this story still pending.
I put the salt peter in Walter Cronkite's prune juice... Y.J.
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