Special Feature: Splatball Arms Race Heats Up

Not since the electro-pneumatic or semi's like the Tippman M98 has such a weapon of mass welting been conceived. But while it is impressive, is the Pigmentator 2000 splatball's equivalent of the H-Bomb?

Paintball, or splatball to its quaintly over-hostile neo-conservative fanbase, has long been a frivolous diversion for those who respect the law just slightly more than they respect human life; an adventurous outdoor sport where guns that fire hard balls of paint can satisfy the urge to play Dirty Harry without incurring to 25-to-life prison sentence.

But this new house-blitzing howitzer threatens to tip the scales in the welt wars, and turn a painful, but essentially nonlethal (though less essentially maiming-blinding) American past-time into something far more...

Expensive.

A producer of the Pigmantator 2000, who asked to remain anonymous (and backed up that request via splat gun) had this to say: "Sure each item costs like, $12,000, American, but for peace of mind it can't be beat! You can level an enemy, allof'em, in like two shots, then take their flag at your leisure. Christ it's the paintball equivalent of napalm! So yeah, I think they're very cost effective, and boy to see those suckers on the ground moaning in pain... HA!"

Questions as to game-imbalance issues, the fact that at $50 a mega-ball, the Pig 2000 wasn't cost effective, and other moral/fiduciary quandaries were met with evasiveness, stammering, and multiple welt-raising shots to the face from the aforementioned loaded Tippman. No further comments are forthcoming.

However, reports of lawsuits against the producers of the pig 2000, claiming assorted damages both physical and emotional, have substantially increased in recent days, though with the exception of one (aaahaaow) they couldn't be verified.

This is your demonstrably physically injured and emotionally scarred reporter and alleged victim--on the advice of my attorneys--signing off.


Sure it's called libel... because if you can embellish your story, you're "libel" to do it.   -- Y.J.