"Newsie" Blips from Japan and Libya Overshadow Critical Updates on... DEATH MOON!

DATELINE: The Horror...

You'll see it Saturday, March 19th, 2011, if you dare. If it doesn't make you loony, or turn you into a werewolf first, you'll see it. For tonight, our pearl of the heavens, Earth's only satellite, could turn into an ostensible hit-and-run MEGASTEROID! All-but-careening at all-but-breakneck speeds toward our helpless little blue marble.

Yes, readers. The horror... the horror.

Forget Earthly news! A Perigee Moon covets your things 

It's unsurprising to this reporter with all the endless fuss made over "newsworthy" global folderols (ones involving that Asian island that attorneys and Gilbert Godfrey have advised me not to discuss, or the the ones involving a certain desert-dwelling despotic "clothes hearse"), that news services everywhere have failed to report a danger more critical and immediate than all of those others put together:

The world-wrecking peril of a ROGUE KILLER MOON!!!

It's true. That gentle cosmic cheese wheel, lauded by poets, likely ruled by mutant insects and grievously injured a thousand years ago by filmmaker Georges Melies, is now a potentially real threat to make 4,000 microsev--

(************ Content Blocked on Advice of the Law Offices of 

Dewey, Chetum and Howe**********************)

---under the cow, indeed! Few would argue that a Moon drawn explicably closer to the Earth could represent a danger of unimagined magnitude.

But have no fear, readers, this Journalist is here to imagine!

Georges Melies Upsets Sea of Tranquility

Scientists would have the public believe that this event of the moon nearing the Earth--at perigee, they slyly obfuscate--poses no risk. Bandying phrases around like "typical orbit," "happened since before recorded history" and "get out of my office!" they nonetheless let slip remarks about the event's exceeding rareness and of the moon's spectacular increase in "apparent magnitude."

"Of course the apparent magnitude will be spectacular," claims a reliably doomsaying source, "Spectacular like a 50-foot water wall caree--

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Dewey, Chetum and Howe**********************)

 --Akihabara! And its actually Reblochon; not many people know that.

Off by 12 years...?

But even if this allegedly impossible event of cosmic bumper cars fails to manifest, other more insidious, and even more difficult to prove or disprove, catastrophes could still occur. Several well-documented hearsays reveal so-called "lunatic" behavior--a kind of heightened manic insanity, I dunno--increases during a full moon. What would be the result if lunacy were to erupt globally due to a neighboring planetoid grown anywhere from 17% to 135 TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE?! This reporter isn't afraid to speculate...

Consider too the tidal implications: a moon orbiting the Earth at the distances expected--or shockingly nearer!--could stimulate all manner of geological phenomena. Terrifyingly huge tidal wa-- (***CBoAotLOoDCH***), and the resultant buckling of the Eart--(***CBoAotLOoDCH***) yellow glowies like Chern-- (***CBoAotLOoDCH***) Stront-- (***CBoAotLOoDCH***) put that lazy Asimo to wor--(***CBoAotLOoDCH***) like giant lunar hornets impre-- (***CBoAotLOoDCH***) Who's it? Mummu-- (***CBoAotLOoDCH***) dresses like Cass Elliot-- (***CBoAotLOoDCH***)
more like Roquefort (***CBoAotLOoDCH***) dogs and cats living tog--(***CBoAotLOoDCH***). Mass Hysteria!!

And now that I've made everything clear to you, my faithful readers, I hope you understand.

So look if you dare, my exceedingly trusting readers; check that page nine in your local newspaper. Cause around the corner, too close to contemplate, the Moon is out to get you!

A public service speculation by Y. Journalist.