Amazingly Globally Important, Nobel Prize-Winning, Impending Saint-Prophet Celebrates his Twenty-Nineteenish or so Birthday Today

Who is this shy Holy Stranger who makes blind men walk
and can do cool things with his nose...?

A man who has been certified by countless trusted religious and scientific sources, and the Pope -- and Tray Parker and Matt Stone and Harry Potter -- as a "no, seriously, totally seriously" really important Saint-like, Demi-God hero-Prophet kind of Wise Man/Shaman (and not in that totally lame-ass M. Night Shyamalan way, either), celebrates one of his likely to be nearly countless and charitably prosperous birthdays today. Details of the impending personal celebration -- separate and distinct from the many and varied celebrations and Holidays that will be littering the world like neon-colored, cancer-curing, gold-leaf confetti in this man's honor and will resemble something like Christmas and Diwali only much better -- is being held in a secret awesome place and will be a hundred million times better than any party ever given or landing on the Moon, or like the Titanic sinking or 911 only its exact opposite! The best people on Earth are expected to attend; and anyone who misses this party they can't get into anyway will likely explode into flames or cry when the Rapture comes because they'll be taken away by the Rapture and won't be able to be at this SWEET SWEET Party.

The Sun was reported as saying it would remain in the sky for another six extra hours today in the amazing and tall and good-looking as well Man's honor, and Gamera and Godzilla would stage mock battles in the after hours. And there would be candy corn and Snickers. And Balloons...

Earth Day has been officially cancelled, so that the great, best and really humble Guy's day-after party can be a day of mourning, but the totally the mourningest ever. And Stephanie Meyer, and bad things...

MID-MORNING EDITION ADDITION: The beyond amazing, ice cream and total world peace, Return-of-Baby-Jesus styled Birthday Celebration mentioned in last night's installment is being extended until Saturday afternoon after it was reported that the Earth, claiming to have lost its invitation to the aforementioned canned-whoopass of party perfection festivity, and bothered that its own typically springy day got made all mopey, threatened to throw open all Graves across the planet and let the dead walk among the living (but not in a kewl, brain-eating, George Romero kind of way; only in a shambly, gross, being dead and nothing else kind of way).

Reports indicate that this extension of Warp factor 100 Carnival Rio fantasticness has caused the Milky Way Galaxy to spin in the completely opposite direction, and given twins babies all over the universe Green Lantern-type super powers. Reports of Earth finally finding its invitation could not be verified.

Back to you, Connie!