Yeller Journalist Daily: YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

YJD: Tonight's Parting Thoughts

"Journalistic Integrity, to me, is refusing not knock-up crack whores in order to cinch a Welfare Reform Expose!"

Confidential Source very close to Y.J.

--Good Night, and have a Dastardly Tomorrow

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YJD News in the News

YJD Welcomes: Two talented new hires. First, Milan's media "mega-mole" and Internationale fotoshop feloniccionado Papi Ratzi scurries aboard YJD as our new Photo Chief.

Papi has a long nose for cheesy scandals, and his photographic artistry (performed on his work... and others) have earned him a reputation in high places all over the world -- from Buckingham Palace to the offices at Interpol. YJD looks forward to Papi's Culpably Culpable Celebrity Shots column, already being hotly discussed by important people everywhere!

And behind the Daily, Carlotta Bumpers, ravishing former actress and current ex-wife of a certain "well known, hardship-flouting, three-viragoes-a-day" media mogul, has finally settled into her role as YJD's Office Manager and interim sports commentator. Words can't express how thrilled we are to support Carlotta's future YJD. She's an inestimably grand addition to our Newsish family.

FLASH! Yeller Journalist Daily blames its recent news delays on a technicality highlighted during closed-door negotiations between YJD, and President Obama and Congress this week. Last Saturday, YJD selflessly engaged Washington with a brilliant plan to circumvent the impending government shut down before this coming Friday. This, however, led to a shut down in interesting news to report.

Details of YJD's plan to make Charlie Sheen Supreme Overlord of Earth are still being debated on Capitol Hill, though a breakthrough looks promising. The bill granting anyone the right to perform a citizen's assassination (character or 'character with extreme prejudice') on Ann Coulter passed by a disappointingly high margin this morning, and won't likely be vetoed by the president.

Back to you, Maury!

I ain't no ordinary news man... I'm a JOURNALISTIC SUPERVILLAIN!!!

At least that's what those "only-the-facts" reporters call me. Why? Because everyone fears a MASTERMIND!

NOW HEAR THIS! Jon and Jane Q Public! What's faster than a speeding rumor, more powerful than an honest motive, able to tell tall tales in a single bound?! It's YELLER JOURNALIST! A hoegillion-decibel *Rancor-Man*, dazzling the informed with my Gamma Ray Eye-Witness Newsiness. I'm THE source for reporting that's better than accurate...

It's MEGA-WATT AWESOME!!!!!

You think that ain't important? Go talk to Chuck Sheen.

Known Powers: Turns news into works of art via NINJA-CYBORG fact-transmutation skills--and patented OMEGA DEATH CAPS LOCK!

Known Weaknesses: Cronkite! A glowing grey-green hyper-rigid substance that saps every popular super-journos powers.