Ima Buzzkill's Celebri-Tea and Sympathy

All right, Ladies of all Genders, Eee-mah Boozkeel here. And it’s poll time! So pour yourself that Vodka tonic with a Demerol chaser, and let's get to it...

Cause you gotta bitch that I wanna scratch! Meerawr!

OK, Question one! Which Hollywood hunk will more classily ignore your half-drunken come-hither leers/slavering gropes at an after-Oscars Party? Brad Pitt or George Clooney?

Too tender? OK, try this: Which of these two “P.Y.T.s” could sooner bed a Pitt or a Clooney (before you, it hurts me to say, dear)?
Chris Colfer or Adam Lambert?

Which statutory cougarbait’s more apt to remind you that their mother is younger than you? Nick Jonas or Justin Bieber?

Now, who’s more apt to stroke your inner cougar here? Channing Tatum or Chris Hemsworth? (Choices from the previous question also acceptable; disgraceful, but acceptable.)

Who’s isn’t younger than you, but can more credibly claim that she is? Jennifer Tilly or Diane Lane?

What revenge sex fantasy partner keeps you most "satisfied" whenever hubby’s away on “business”? Jason Statham or Hugh Jackman?

Who’s more likely to treat you like staff at an after-Oscar Party?
Meryl Streep or Barbara Streisand?

Bonus Fill-in Question: “It would be more pleasant to shake hands with (blank) at the aforementioned after-Oscars Party?”
A poo-flinging chimp? Perez Hilton?

Next week we'll explore the colorful history of Münchhausen-by-proxy, so don't forget to hide the salt! 

And remember, it's EEE-mah, EEE-Mah! BoozKEEL. 

Remember... cause I won't ever let you forget.